Friday, April 6, 2012
The former post sort of starts in the middle, so as a starting point for this on-going journal, I should back track a bit to lay out what has happened thus far.
After coming out in 2000 to explore and figure out my crossdressing compulsion, and to CURE myself of it, that detour became a life.
By paying close attention to how I interacted with people and they with me (in my many variations of gender presentation) I began to glean insights to a transgender condition that I had never been able to comprehend.
But then these new experiences and insights began to chip at the glass wall that had always separated me from the world around me: I could always see the other side, but never reach out and touch it, nor could I touch my own feelings or interact with the world as a whole -- and unguarded -- person.
So there I was cruising along in my new life as Brianna, when I was in Buenos Aires one day on a vacation and noticed my breasts -- even in the androg mode I was traveling in -- becoming very noticeable.
I was forced for the first time in three years (and just one year on 1/2 dosage of hormones) to confront my immediate future. Until that time, I was sort of just going with the flow day-to-day.
My transgender journey to that point had been filled with surprises and contradictions. So there I was, with another fork in the road and a choice before me. I had evolved into an androgynous person who lived most of her days during the past 3 years as a woman, and comfortable and content in doing so.
I had always had a few questions rolling around in my head since childhood: What would it be like to be a girl, Could I become a girl, and Should I become a girl?
At this moment, and perhaps for the first time, I could answer all three: Yes, Yes, and Yes.
At the same time, circumstances sometimes conflict with desire: did I want to transition and start life over again at 48? Could I abandon my role as a father? Could I afford the cost of transition? The answers came back, Yes, No and No.
So, mostly because of question and answer number 2 -- fatherhood -- I reversed course, stopped the hormone regiment and thought I'd just live as a gay man. That didn't seem to work to well. I love gay guys, but in my male life wasn't sexually attracted to them, or perhaps, couldn't relate to men when they saw me as male. Either way. I started dating women again, and had a a four-month world spinning romance in Argentina.
By late 2005 I was again thinking of transition. But oddly, it was a different than any of the compulsive pulls I'd felt before I came out. In fact, and perhaps due to the fact that I now knew from where these desires imitated -- a biological condition I was born with --, although the desire was there to start crossdressing again, the need to comply was no longer there. I wanted to either live as a guy, or transition and live as a woman, but no longer wanted to simply crossdress; so I didn't.
Same-Sex Wedding Expo, when I was asked -- urged , really -- to model a bridesmaid gown for Fontana Bridal. I had felt a desire to start hormones again in January 2011, and took a minute dosage, which I maintained for some months leading up to the event.
As 2012 rolled in, I was thinking again of transition. I went out once more in February 2012 for GNO with friends (see below). Then I came to the wall again.
To be continued. ....