Friday, April 6, 2012

Changing Perceptions

The former post sort of starts in the middle, so as a starting point for this on-going journal, I should back track a bit to lay out what has happened thus far. After coming out in 2000 to explore and figure out my crossdressing compulsion, and to CURE myself of it, that detour became a life.

By paying close attention to how I interacted with people and they with me (in my many variations of gender presentation) I began to glean insights to a transgender condition that I had never been able to comprehend.

But then these new experiences and insights began to chip at the glass wall that had always separated me from the world around me:  I could always see the other side, but never reach out and touch it, nor could I touch my own feelings or interact with the world as a whole -- and unguarded -- person.

So there I was cruising along in my new life as Brianna, when I was in Buenos Aires one day on a vacation and noticed my breasts -- even in the androg mode I was traveling in -- becoming very noticeable.

I was forced for the first time in three years (and just one year on 1/2 dosage of hormones) to confront my immediate future.  Until that time, I was sort of just going with the flow day-to-day.

My transgender journey to that point had been filled with surprises and  contradictions.  So there I was, with another fork in the road and a choice before me.  I had evolved into an androgynous person who lived most of her days during the past 3 years as a woman, and comfortable and content in doing so.

I had always had a few questions rolling around in my head since childhood: What would it be like to be a girl, Could I become a girl, and Should I become a girl? 

At this moment, and perhaps for the first time, I could answer all three: Yes, Yes, and Yes.

At the same time, circumstances sometimes conflict with desire: did I want to transition and start life over again at 48?  Could I abandon my role as a father?  Could I afford the cost of transition?  The answers came back, Yes, No and No.

So, mostly because of question and answer number 2 -- fatherhood -- I reversed course, stopped the hormone regiment and thought I'd just live as a gay man.  That didn't seem to work to well. I love gay guys, but in my male life wasn't sexually attracted to them, or perhaps, couldn't relate to men when they saw me as male.  Either way. I started dating women again, and had a a four-month world spinning romance in Argentina.

By late 2005 I was again thinking of transition. But oddly, it was a different than any of the compulsive pulls I'd felt before I came out.  In fact, and perhaps due to the fact that I now knew from where these desires imitated -- a biological condition I was born with --, although the desire was there to start crossdressing again, the need to comply was no longer there.  I wanted to either live as a guy, or transition and live as a woman, but no longer wanted to simply crossdress; so I didn't.

I was almost 7 years before I dressed as Brianna again (above), during the Same-Sex Wedding Expo, when I was asked -- urged , really -- to model a bridesmaid gown for Fontana Bridal.  I had felt a desire to start hormones again in January 2011, and took a minute dosage, which I maintained for some months leading up to the event.

As 2012 rolled in, I was thinking again of transition.  I went out once more in February 2012 for GNO with friends.  Then I came to the wall again.

People ask if I was happier as Brianna vs. my male life, and the answer is no, I wasn't happier, though I was more content.

To be continued. ....

1 comment:

  1. 16th April 2012
    Great sharing!
    I've enjoyed this article as always, I am fond of your article, you are a very good writer, Brianna!

    There is something about any Journey which must be said...
    There is always something special and personal about any journey which has to do with each one of us individually first.
    Nobody can step in and help us at that but our own selves because it is us communicating with our own selves and being honest, true and real to our own selves and every concern which we may think of however present within us.

    Journeys in general tend to teach us to get to know our own selves better and see sides and shades of colours of our own hearts which we never had had the time or attention in order to have seen or noticed before.

    Being a Tgirl is a Journey in itself at any level whether non-op, pre-op and/or post op.
    Some journeys in life are short and finite!
    Being a Trans is a never-ending Journey much like Being of a Different Sexual Preference other to/than the mainstream ones.

    When we become fully aware of such a dimension of our unfolding experience at hand, it becomes easy to change our minds whenever we feel like because we have empowered ourselves from inside out to know that it is O.K. and we must always remain Honest to our own selves individually first!

    In Trans Journeys, one cannot act out life just to keep up with other Tgirls, Family expectancies, Friends' advices, GLBT Community's Standards and of course the Joneses next door...
    In Trans Journeys, one must own oneself in full in order to be and to stay honest to oneself first and act life out with love, caring and respect to oneself first and one's most sincere values and truest wishes!

    My Trans Journey has been filled with Eclecticisms & Magick but it all suits me well being born Psychic, being 100% Pagan, a TransWitch, a TransPriestess!
    It is not all like Pink Roses and Moet & Chandon...
    There are many Waiting Periods for this or for that... There are always freaking Obstacles, delaying Barriers to be overcome and conquered/won...
    After much Fighting, plenty of Theatrics infused with Shakespearian flavoured Drama...
    I couldn't solve it all instantly and get it all over and done with once and for all...
    You know why?
    Because Nobody on earth can! No exceptions!

    So I've found ways to turn Drama into Comedy and I've learned to believe Alone after all, everybody must deal with their own share/part of show of life.
    I've found ways to make my parts count for me!
    No beginning, no end, it is all about here and now and what our personal Circumstances shall allow.

    Love and Light,