Friday, September 14, 2012

He Says A Year Without Crossdrssing is the Best

In a post on a site called Healing Cross-dressing, the author states that "I am proud to announce that I have gone for 1 year now without cross-dressing or giving into cross-dressing fiction, my two main cross-dressing vices.  It feels very very good."

I don't condone nor discourage abstinence from cross-dressing;  I've always been more interested in the motivation.  And as I read through this blog, I get the sense that the author feels a great deal of guilt when he indulges his cross-dressing urges; that it is somehow wrong. 

He goes on to say that "This certainly doesn’t make me a perfect person, or mean I’m not still sinful.  In fact, I’ve had a couple times in this past year where I’ve fantasized about cross-dressing or briefly looked at cross-dressing pictures, not to mention other sins I struggle with like not loving God fully enough, pride, selfishness, etc."

I find these remarks curious. Does cross-dressing -- or fantasizing about it -- somehow make him less "perfect"? Is there such a thing as a perfect person? Aren't we all perfect in our imperfectness?

He continues: "But overall it’s been a year of purity, chastity, spiritual growth, and victory." While I am happy for the author that he feels good about his chastity, I would suggest that he is merely experiencing the honeymoon effect of a typical purge.  But in time the urges that drive his fascination with cross-dressing will emerge again, or manifest themselves in other ways, still leaving the author a slave to something he doesn't understand or has the strength to confront.

I wish the author well in his quest. However, I would suggest that until he really understands from where his cross-dressing desires originate, that they will forever linger in the shadows of his soul like an echo that is not quite audible.   

Therefore his remarks that "I can honestly say that this has been one of the best, or THE best year of my life, and one of the main reasons for this is because of this victory over crossdressing" is misguided, if not delusional; you haven't conquered anything [which your thoughts throughout the year support], you've merely suppressed it, which is not the same thing.

If the author truly wishes to give up crossdressing, he first has to explore it and himself to the core, understand it, and then deal with it in whatever way is prudent with the information accumulated. 

Healing Cross-Dressing Blog


  1. Hello there. I understand your point of view. I've read such views many times, and I'm not offended by your post. Just a couple things to note for you to think more about though.

    First, I am not alone. You'll see many other blogs I have linked to (not counting the people who don't have blogs that I regularly talk to) who all have given up crossdressing. It is possible. Some have gone way longer than I.

    Secondly, I have thoroughly thought through my crossdressing desires and why it came about in my life. Trust me, I'm not naive at all about that. Read through some of my posts and you'll see I've thought about this a lot. If thinking about it all my life, and reading thousands of blog posts, articles, and books about crossdressing is not enough to think it through, I don't know what is :)

    Third, this is not suppression. I am not avoiding the desires at all. This is a common thought about people like me from other crossdressers but it is a misunderstanding. I think you want to believe I am suppressing the desires because you can't imagine how you could be in the place I am in. But I am not suppressing anything. I allow the thoughts to come and think them through. But I really do not desire to crossdress now even when I let myself think about it and think through my old fantasies. I desire it less and less as the weeks go by.

    Would you say an alcoholic has just suppressed alcoholism by not drinking anymore? I sure hope not, I hope you would encourage such a person.

    People set crossdressing up on a pedestal as some kind of God, or innate part of our identity that we cannot control. But this is to make crossdressing more powerful than it is. It is something that can be controlled and even changed in a person's life.

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    2. I neither put cross-dressing on a pedestal, nor look down on it as a problem. just as I neither encourage nor disuade people from either course of action.

      In reading your blog, my comment was that you seemed to have a lot of guilt motivating your actions, and until you can move past the pretense of gender, I was questioning the validity of the decision, or the basis of the elation.

      These are solely opinions based on my own journey, of course, and there is no disrespect meant in any way. If you want to stop and feel good about it, then of course do so.

      I'm merely pointing out that the elastion of quiting may be from factors other than what you envision them to be.

      I think you have to explore things without any fear of what you will find, otherwise its all tainted and slanted to be as you want it to be.

  2. I did indeed feel guilt about it. I don't view that as a bad thing. I think guilt is a great thing actually. Once a child or person stops feeling guilt, that is when we should be concerned and afraid for them. Guilt is not bad. Guilt is only a problem if you are feeling guilty for something that you shouldn't feel guilt about. And of course, people disagree about what things should cause us guilt and what shouldn't. Obviously we disagree on that. I don't feel any guilt for having crossdressing desires, I didn't choose to have those desires, they just kind of happened, probably through a culmination of different factors. I feel no guilt for that at all. I only feel guilt for my actions, and that includes my actions of crossdressing in the past.

    We don't need to get into a big debate, but my Christian worldview means I could never do what you suggested in your last sentence. I believe true life is found in a relationship with God, and we can only have that by being forgiven of our sins through faith in Jesus and his work for our salvation. To have abundant full wonderful joyful pleasurable awesome good life, I believe it can only be found in God, and in the way that he has told us to live. He has given us rules about how to live, not to enslave us, but to give us freedom and joy and fullness. This means we don't go off and explore and push the boundaries in order to find ourselves, as you seem to suggest. Instead, we find ourselves by doing what God has created us to do, and not doing what he didn't create us to do.

    I believe I was born sinful, with desires that are destructive if I gave him to them. We are born selfish, unloving, broken in our sexuality, etc. etc. I don't need to explore my sinful nature further. I'm not afraid of what I will find. I know what I will find. I know that if I explore myself further I will find more twisted sexual desires, more selfishness, etc. Instead, I focus on Jesus and let him transform my life.

    Anyway, good conversation, if you want to chat more feel free to comment on specific posts on my site.

  3. I get where you're coming from, though disagree. While I think a lot of the religious teachings across beliefs have merit, I lost my affection for structured religion 40 years ago -- a topic for some other time. You believe that God wrote the bible, I believe that men trying to interpret God wrote the bible. You believe we were born in sin, I believe we were born in purity. You believe we're on Earth to obey some daddy figure who will scold us when we're bad, I believe that we are spiritual beings simply experiencing a physical form; and that is the only question -- to what end. We're already of God, part of God though less than God, we'll return to the collective whole without jumping through hoops to prove our worth.

    I, like you, carried guilt for decades. When I decided to explore it to find the truth of its origin in order to cure myself, what I found is not what I expected. The benefit of what I found benefited me in so many other things beyond my gender.

    Yes, there are lots of fetishes out there. Whether they are sinful or not is another debate. My point is that they are merely expressions that manifest from other internal forces, and if one doesn't know what those forces are, then even if they refrain from the action it will simply manifest in some other way.

    Once I came to understand where my trans nature came from, what it was about, only then did the compulsion to cross-dress evaporate. There was no longer any sexual gratification tied to it either. I then "chose" to live male for years, and did so without anything over my head. The fact that I chose to live male didn't mean I was no longer transgender however, because I am, and will likely always be: it is biologically driven; when I said to explore, I didn't mean to simply cross-dress more, but rather, to pay attention to how I interacted with people in both gender representations, revisit my youth and how I felt among my peers, etc.

    The exploration is not to delve into "sinful" acts(as you refer to them) to see if you like them, but rather, to understand their origins and get to the heart of what drives them within you. Most fetishistic acts are motivated by other factors; i.e. B&D is all about power exchange.

    It is one thing to resist temptation, another entirely to move beyond it. If yours is based in fetish, then the cause root will gnaw at you. If it is based in biological predisposition, it will also gnaw at you. How to deal with either is different, and it is only in exploratory that you'll discover which is which. While with everything I say I recognize I can be wrong, my opinion is based on years of being really OUT and interacting with thousands of people across the gender spectrum, many of whom are people of note. you might want to check out some of my essays that were written as I traveled my road, thus the opinions change.